i need help.

so frustrated with myself right now. if i am so horrible then why does god even allow me to live?

i know that i feel this way because i can't take criticism for shit. but seriously. i'm fucking trying. but apparently that doesn't count. ever.

and as soon as i hear "you..." i immediately start thinking "well, you..." ugh.

you can't expect perfection if you don't give it.

i try to put my faults out there, take it or leave it. but nobody takes me for who i am. they try to change me. and nobody will leave me, they just get mad at me because they still haven't succeeded in changing me.

FUCK! the only word that can adequately describe my feelings at the moment.

and i'm hungry.

in exactly two weeks i will be at home where there is always food to eat, no matter how broke i am. and there is always someone who loves me, no matter how mad i make my boyfriend. and there will be no asian roomate who turns the heat up to 83 degrees. and there will be old friends who love me not only for who i am, but who i used to be too. and there will be things to do that have nothing to do with art for a change. and i don't have to hear the crinkle of tracing paper for at least a month. and i will eat homemade cookies. and drink tall glasses of chocolate milk. and i will not wear socks around the house. and my feet will not get cold on hardwood floors. the house will be clean. and the smells will be familiar.

i'm homesick beyond belief right now. whenever i feel like shit i just want to be on the couch in my living room. watching a movie with my mom and sister. or on a bike ride through clayton, knowing i will return home to the hustle and bustle of my little house.


ugh. why can't things be simpler?