"even if your hands are shaking,
and your faith is broken,
even as the eyes are closin',
do it with a heart wide open.
say what you need to say."
tonight was the veiwing. all i did was cry. to see every person she loved was extremely painful. and all i could think about was mom-mom. every little thing made me upset. the juxtaposition of the living beautiful flowers next to the coffin was unbearable. and the moment i saw her i knew it was going to be an image that never left my memory. i couldn't even find the courage to look into her face for more than a second. all i could look at were her hands. lying peacfully over her body with her jewelry still on her hands.
and your faith is broken,
even as the eyes are closin',
do it with a heart wide open.
say what you need to say."
tonight was the veiwing. all i did was cry. to see every person she loved was extremely painful. and all i could think about was mom-mom. every little thing made me upset. the juxtaposition of the living beautiful flowers next to the coffin was unbearable. and the moment i saw her i knew it was going to be an image that never left my memory. i couldn't even find the courage to look into her face for more than a second. all i could look at were her hands. lying peacfully over her body with her jewelry still on her hands.
and seeing my father cry is still the scariest thing i will ever experience. but in the back of my mind it's always nice to see such strong emotion coming from those who are so emotionally reserved.
and at times like these you really do find support in the most unexpected places. i expected consolement from brian. but i got close to none. he offered to attend the veiwing and funeral with me. he can't attend the funeral because of work. and he backed down on the veiwing at the last minute to sleep in front of the tv. i had to call him a million times to get a hold of him. we visited my mom-mom at the hospital. then he left to go hang out with his friends. while his girlfriend of two years sits at home and cries her eyes out. lately i find myself questioning his desire to be with me more than ever. and they say if you love something, let it go. but in my mind i know that if i let him go, he will never come back. and i don't know how i would deal with that. what's worse: knowing he will never be as happy with me as i am with him; or living without him?
and jillie at school has been absolutely wonderful. she has gone out of her way to let me know i am cared about. and to her it probably meant nothing. but for me, it means everything. she sent me a song by john mayer. first of all i absolutely love john mayer so that made me feel better. but even besides that, the song was great and really helped.
well. i guess i have said all that i need to say.
rest in peace ruth shrader. always in my heart.
and at times like these you really do find support in the most unexpected places. i expected consolement from brian. but i got close to none. he offered to attend the veiwing and funeral with me. he can't attend the funeral because of work. and he backed down on the veiwing at the last minute to sleep in front of the tv. i had to call him a million times to get a hold of him. we visited my mom-mom at the hospital. then he left to go hang out with his friends. while his girlfriend of two years sits at home and cries her eyes out. lately i find myself questioning his desire to be with me more than ever. and they say if you love something, let it go. but in my mind i know that if i let him go, he will never come back. and i don't know how i would deal with that. what's worse: knowing he will never be as happy with me as i am with him; or living without him?
and jillie at school has been absolutely wonderful. she has gone out of her way to let me know i am cared about. and to her it probably meant nothing. but for me, it means everything. she sent me a song by john mayer. first of all i absolutely love john mayer so that made me feel better. but even besides that, the song was great and really helped.
well. i guess i have said all that i need to say.
rest in peace ruth shrader. always in my heart.
1 comment:
Losing family is so hard. It's something our family has faced time and time again. And it was hell to see Aunt Ruth. It just made it worse cause all i could see was Nan. I love you and I am ALWAYS here!
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