it'll be alright...

i have come to the realization through many people in my life that i am not living up to my potential. despite all of my efforts to better myself i have failed miserably. with this i have also realized that my number one mistake is that i do not consciously think of god when i am making decisions. he is not ever present in my mind. only when it is conveinent for me. and despite my initial stubborness i cannot do this on my own.
i will name some things that i must work on. some that i have been avoiding myself and some that others have brought to my attention.

1. i am much too critical of others. i claim to live by tolerance, yet there are so many that i am intolerant of. i need to stop judging so quickly. and i need to keep my mouth shut when i don't like something. because odds are i am probably highly frustrated and don't really mean what i am saying.

2. i do not show appreciation to those closest to me. to appreciate someone when they are gone seems to be entirely different then appreciating them to their face. for me, anyways. if i want to be loved, i must love.

3. i am soo jealous. of everything. and mostly i can keep this to myself. and hopefully it's not affecting anyone else in my life. but i need to change the way i think.

4. i have absolutely no self control. in anything that i do. i need to learn self discipline.

although i am very thankful for everything that i do have in my life there are plenty of things that could be better. and i am hoping that if these things get sorted out, things will go better. i wish i had more people in my circle of friends. i've always had just a few close friends, but for once i would like a bigger circle. is it wrong of me to want to have more people to rely on?

i think that i will stay in delaware until christmas break. i love jersey, but i need to work things out. and i need to catch up on school work too.

so this is going to be really hard for me. but this past week literally broke me down. i was at such a low point and i can't remember the last time i cried so much. but honestly, i really don't think i can go anywhere but up.