head over heels in love

if you've been reading my blogs you know that not too long ago i was having big doubts about my relationship. and if i was absolutely honest about my feelings, i probably would have told you that it wouldn't last another year. i went to arkansas knowing that it would change my life. i wasn't sure how or in what ways, but i knew i would be learning a huge life lesson. although i wasn't sure what i would learn, i definitely had expectations. and i'm sorry to admit that i honestly thought brian and i would be over when i came back.

while i was there i would meet guys my age and ask myself if i could see myself with them. and not for one night or a couple months, but for the rest of my life. and although i didn't fully know them, i knew i couldn't be with them.

i would see couples so earnestly in love it hurt. and i questioned what it was that they had that i didn't. and honestly, NOTHING. when you meet a couple it is very easy to see through their relationship. and i kept meeting couples who obviously understood each other. they just kind of GOT it, you know.

and i realized that despite quirks and oddities, i love brian fully. he really gets me. and although i deseire perfection, i love his flaws. because he loves mine.

before i felt like i may be settling if i stayed with brian. now i know that i couldn't be luckier. and as soon as this thought came into my head it reminded me of some Alan Jackson lyrics. (ok, i admit that i'm a country music geek) the song says "And if you've always had it and just realized/ You know how lucky you are/ To wake up beside what some never find/ A once in a lifetime love" and i don't think i can say it better myself.

i am so anxious to start my life with someone that i love. it's really a weird feeling. i've never been so decisive about something. and never ever have i been so decisive about something that puts my heart in such a vulnerable position. i'm really putting myself out there. and brian could totally blow me off and break up with me. and i know this, but this feeling that i have makes me want to tell the whole world how i feel. god, i love him.

no pressure, brian. i promise. but i guess this whole thing kinda puts pressure on you, doesn't it? sorry. that's the way the cookie crumbles. <3