stuck in the middle with you

sometimes i feel like there are only two ways to live:

1) on the edge. being totally passionate about what you love. and giving anything to have what you want.

2) safely. having plans. looking into the future. etc.

i feel like i am somewhere in the middle. which, by most standards is the desired place to be. you know what you love, but you are reasonable, right? i usually feel the same way. and i am usually happy that i have found a balance.

but lately, i feel like this "sitting on the fence" approach to things has left me identity-less. i don't know who i am or what i should be doing. if my life were a movie i would know to follow my heart. but, unfortunately, things don't always work out like they do in movies.

let's just say. for instance. i was having doubts about my relationship. should i take a break and find out if that is where my heart lies? or should i stay where i am and not stir up any trouble? i would usually look to things in my past to see what it is i would normally do. but that's the problem. i don't know. my nature to be passionate about things leads me to take a chance. and to say, "if it's meant to be, it will happen." but my nurture to be safe and steady tells me that i shouldn't even be writing this down. that i should just bottle it up, and live with what i've gotten dealt.

i think i may be going through a pre-quarter life crisis. or maybe it's the fact that i haven't eaten any carbs, or sugars all day and i'm running on approximately 4 hours of sleep.

nate asked me the other day:
"what point do you think we should be at in our lives right now?"
"and are you at that point?"

i told him:
"i think we should be in college, thinking about what it is that we want to do for the rest of our lives, and just struggling to figure things out."
"and yes, i'm definately there"

but it sucks. in the next year, i will have to make zillions of decisions that could very well change the course of my life forever.

christine tate told my class:
"they tell you that these are the best years of your life. they're not. don't believe them. it will get better. if i had believed that i would not be standing here today."

her words seriously keep me going.