and i remember being so so thrilled to just be with him. to be learning him. i'm not sure where these feelings fit into the larger picture. but it's a fond memory. being overjoyed to make love to him.
more than being impatient to take care of someone i am impatient to be madly in love. i remember one night in particular being so pleased with so little. nothing made me happier than a few moments of ecstasy with that one person.
i've learned so much since that night. about what i actually need out of a relationship. it seems to me now, that it was just young, stupid love. but that little taste of uneducated love that lasted only a short while makes me believe that i will without a doubt find a person to be with forever. if i can feel so strongly about someone that wasn't good for me, imagine how much stronger i can feel for a person that works with who i am.
another thought:
everyone says love will come to you when you least expect it. am i preventing myself from finding someone that wants nothing but me because i analyze every bit of love that comes into my life? or am i being silly for even thinking that fate will not play out because of my anxiety for it? at the same time, i am not looking incessantly for love. merely analyzing feelings towards it. hopefully educating myself for the future.
in any case i am glad for last night. it really tested me. i can resist a relationship that i know would be based on physical things. i am looking for something deeper and i am proud that i can wait this out. sexual frustration sucks, but oddly enough i don't hate it. for being such a sexual person i am not nearly as frustrated as i would have predicted. because i know that sex isn't everything. and feeling wanted isn't all that much either. i know how amazing i am. i love myself. i don't need assurance that i can be desired. i am just waiting it out. waiting to find the one person that doesn't need to assure me that i can be desired, but just desires me.
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