ex boyfriend

i'm not sure why it still hurts when i see brian with another girl.
because i know for a fact that i am happier now. i know that we weren't good for each other. i know i'm healthier. i can love bigger now. i'm not so critical. i laugh more often now. i cry more often now. and i'm truly excited for the rest of life. if i had stayed with him everything could have been predicted. my life would have been uneventful and unfulfilling. so many possibilities were revealed as soon as i ended things.

yet for some reason seeing him call another girl his everything, his love... it hurts. I was his everything. not towards the end, but in the beginning we were so good for each other. my brain hurts trying to comprehend these emotions. they don't make sense. and i don't think i like them at all.

i gave my heart to him. and there are some pieces that i guess i will never get back. i wonder if he feels the same way. i wonder if he even thinks of me. but then again, why does that matter? everybody heals differently. but from the outside looking in, he didn't even need to heal. he was fine, he was over it.

i guess i'm just so in love with myself that i don't understand how he couldn't be. but i guess if he didn't even appreciate me as much as i appreciate myself then it's for the better. i deserve better.

i just want somebody that loves all the little things about me. and i want to love all the little things about them.

will i ever be over this? i feel like i'm over it... until i think about him being happier with her than he was with me. why wasn't i good enough? i mean, i'm a pretty amazing girl, you know? don't i deserve to be happy too? don't i deserve to be in a relationship with somebody i think is amazing?

but at the same time, i am glad for this healing time. i could not have rushed into a relationship even if i wanted to. i found myself, i found my friends. i learned what i want. and i learned how to depend on myself for my happiness.

it's been a really shitty semester, but it's almost over. i'll be happier next semester. i'm glad to be finally moved in with liz. it feels so nice to have somebody need me again. she's a hot mess. and it makes me happy that i have to clean up after her, that she doesn't know how to do it herself. i feel useful, i feel needed and appreciated. i love that she wakes me up in the middle of the night to talk or because she is drunk and doesn't know how to handle a crisis. her pulling the covers off me is much better than spending the night alone.

i miss having somebody, but i don't miss who i had. and i am truly excited that i get to find somebody that fits with me. even if it takes forever.