Since When?

Since when was I a fuck up? Since when do I sleep through classes knowingly and not care? Since when do I forget about important meetings?

I've always been the one to have all my ducks in a row. I've been the one who had goals and was on the right path to achieving them. My life was so structured. I never forgot to my laundry on Wednesdays. My hair was always clean. I never overdrew my bank account. I always remembered birthdays. I was always on time.

It's like one day I woke up, and I didn't even recognize myself. I can't be on time to save my life. I don't even want to wake up. I don't know what I want. I forget everything. I can't focus. I hate lists. I always run out of socks before I remember to do my laundry. My dishes sit in the sink for way too long. I don't even care that the bathroom is disgusting. The frizz in my hair hasn't been properly tamed in months. I don't worry about matching my clothes.

It's like all of a sudden I'm the fuck up. I can't deal with it. I need to keep this scholarship. I need to stay in school so I don't end up in some shit hole job.

I'm tired of not having something to be PROUD of. I thought I liked this free spirit vibe I had going. But, now I'm not so sure. I mean I am happy with myself. But deep down I still care a lot about what people think of me. And society just doesn't like hippies.