i needed this.

one of my secret desires:
i would like to spend a great deal of time traveling the world and experiencing new cultures. maybe live in italy for a few years. backpack across europe. go to brazil. maybe chile. see india and the philipines. i don't want to be tied down. i wish i was the kind of person that could just get up and go. some circumstances prevent me from doing that.

and right now i want to make a promise to myself that i will attempt to rid myself of things that are preventing me from attaining the things i truly desire. this may take years. to finish school. to overcome fear. but at some point i will travel the world. and it will be amazing. and it will be everything i love.

i'm actually really happy that brian and i broke up. i wish that he was being a bit more mature. but, my resent towards him will pass. we weren't right for each other. and although i think we could be good friends, he does not desire that. and that upsets me. but at the same time, i am so much more free. he was holding me back. in the beginning of summer i asked jay to honestly tell me what he thought of my relationship with brian and his opinion of the doubts that i was having. he told me that he thought if i stayed with brian i would be settling for less. and when the words came out of his mouth i knew, despite my love for brian, that jay was right. loving someone because they are a good person, and loving somebody for everything that they are, are completely different things. i could never see brian as a father of my children, or a man that i could truly enjoy the quality of my life with. it's true that i fell the hardest for him. but somehow i know that i can achieve higher. i feel that greater hapiness is in my future. already, i am happier. a weight has been lifted. traveling to europe won't be just a dream. i will do it. i can concentrate on my personal achievements and it's quite refreshing.

brian always told me i was such a negative person and that all i ever did was criticize. and i tried to change. for him. for me. i really wanted to. but ironically enough i couldn't change my way of thinking until i was through with the relationship. i feel myself being more accepting and less negative. i really like it. and it's perplexing why i couldn't make this happen a year ago. if i could have, who's to say which way my life would have went. but at the same time, i'm as glad as ever that it happened now.

i am sad. this whole rant makes it seem as though this whole transition has been easy for me. and it hasn't. but i'm looking on the bright side of things for once.