mom

she makes me so absolutely crazy. i can't even think straight. she has me in such an immature mindset. i feel like i'm a kid again. i can't even control myself. this house is so bad for me. i have no motivation. and i'm scared that i'm going to make no forward progress at all this summer. in fact, i feel like she is erasing all the progress i have made. she is brainwashing me telling me that she cares. but she is so selfish. god forbid something be out of place or not be done her way. and she keeps saying the same things like she is a robot. "this is my house" why can't everyone be who they are in this house? i miss clementine so much. she showed me what it was like to be an accepting and loving person. everything was ok. there were no silly boundaries and i was completely satisfied. mom thinks that the only way to raise children is to be controlling, to have strict rules, and harsh punishments. but these past two years away from her has taught me that her way is an awful way. it is like a monarchy and i am a pilgrim seeking freedom of religion, freedom of speech, and freedom to keep my room as messy as i want to. ha. i want a world where it is perfectly ok to be grouchy when you wake up. a world that understands you will clean when you feel like it. but until then, it's perfectly ok. this world is a better world than anything she has created within these four walls. people are happy. love is true. right and wrong is delineated by what you feel inside, and by what the community feels, rather than what a single ruler decides is right and wrong. how can a person be so different from their family? did nature or nurture cause my suffering? and why can't i do anything to stop it?