epiphany. definition: a sudden insight into the reality of something

life is so much more than i thought it was when i was little. even more than i thought it was a year ago. it's more than a cereal, it's more than a game. it's decisions that i never knew i would have to make, it's love that i never knew that i would fall into, it's situations i never knew i would be able to relate to, it's lessons i never knew i would learn. i have transformed into a whole new person. it happened so fast i didn't even have time to look back and see how i've progressed. things are whizzing by me and i can't even keep track of my wants and needs. time is moving in a way i never knew it could.
i remember in high school when we didn't want to dance we would get dressed in our tights and lie around. we would try our hardest to engage the teachers in deep conversation to put off physical activity as long as possible. and a lot of the time it worked. a lot of these conversations were silly and meaningless. but some, had true meaning and words of wisdom. and one time norman was talking about his love for dance. and how he once experienced this amazing out of body feeling. like he was watching himself dance from the corner of the room. but he could still feel everything that he was doing. and he said if we were lucky enough to actually make it in the dance world, our passion may bring us this kind of experience.
and no, i never made it in the dance world, but yes, i have felt this. and a lot lately. like my life is a movie that is merely playing in front of me. that i have no control.... well, i don't want to say absolutely no control. maybe like one of those alternate ending books we used to read in elementary school, where you can pick your ending. because every once in a while i can step into the movie and say something and make a decision for my character. and this being on the outside is the scariest most amazing feeling i've ever experienced.
and realizing this means realizing everything, ever. realizing what i want to do. who i want to be. who i want to surround myself with. and so much more. but it's so hard. oh so hard. i see everything in my future and everything that means anything to me. but i can barely see where i am and what is going on in the present.
it's like when you watch a movie you are so focused on how things are going to turn out, you can't focus on the current scene. i see what i want for my future, but i cannot find motivation for the present day. in movies, the endings are often the reason a movie was good or bad. and life isn't like that. i need to focus on so much more than the ending. because there's more to life than 120 minutes of film.
i'm not going to write down any goals i have realized that i need to achieve. because for some reason i feel like if i write them or say them, i will jinx them. and i'm not superstitious. but i need to make sure that they are real. after all they came so fast i barely even knew they were my thoughts.
so scared. but knowing i will get through. and knowing i can do it better than i ever thought possible.